Having struggled with my mental health since forever, I find myself almost overqualified to write on the topic of Mental Health Awareness Week. The concept of having a single week dedicated to it appears borderline insane. As someone acutely aware of my mental health (or lack thereof) at all times, I’d gladly take just a week of it instead.
Cursed with depression, two anxiety disorders (who knew there was more than one of those?), and a few diagnostic upgrades over time, I can genuinely not remember a single day when I didn’t feel some type of mentally ill.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have ‘Good Days’, it just means I am ill on those days too.
So…Where do I go from here? Mostly, to bed whenever I can. That is where to find me when I am not at work. But what does it look like, being very unwell while also doing your job? And rumour has it, being genuinely good at it too.
Well, the specifics change frequently depending on factors such as sleep, workload, weather… I wouldn’t be shocked if the way the wind blows had something to do with it too.
A ‘Bad Day’ at work usually goes something like this: I am running on two or three hours of sleep, I am twitchy and nauseated, and I am probably running a few minutes late since separating myself from my bed is almost impossible. I am taking the lift because I am too dizzy for the stairs. I sneak into the office, hoping people are too busy to take notice of me as I just don’t have it in me to mumble ‘Morning’ out of the corner of my mouth more than once, never mind attempting some grotesque version of a friendly smile.
The headphones are on the second I sit down, with the hope that listening to music will help me focus and drown out the background noise. It doesn’t. My skin starts crawling whenever someone talks for over a few seconds. My palms are sweaty (yes, like in that Eminem song, but no spaghetti here) and my heart is racing. Who can even tell anymore if it is the lack of sleep, the anxiety, or my daily caffeine intake that makes me feel like I will be sick?
Tasks that are more than doable seem impossible and I lose any and all confidence in my abilities.
Here comes an afternoon of clicking through all these tabs and sheets and files and staring at my useless to-do list because I can’t prioritize the items on it anyway. If the office is still too loud and warm, I’ll have to ask to do the rest of the workday from home. Most days I work through it, sometimes falling behind on tasks, sometimes managing to somehow stay on top of things.
I grab some food on my way home because there is no way that I can find the mental energy to feed myself otherwise. I put on Netflix and lie in bed for seven to ten hours, just waiting to finally fall asleep. If I am lucky, the cat keeps me company.
(If this section seems long, that is because, oh boy, are these ‘Bad Days’ long.)
On a ‘Good Day’, I am running on five or six hours of sleep, I am twitchy and nauseated, and probably running a few minutes late since separating myself from my bed is almost impossible. I am taking the lift because I am too dizzy for the stairs. I enter the office, try making awkward eye contact, and imitate what I think passes as a smile.
If the headphones come out, it is because I enjoy listening to music and it can help me focus. Everything is under control, and instead of stressing over other people talking, I am the one doing the talking. I make a stupid joke or two, but, unlike most days, I don’t care that I am the only one laughing.
I feel productive, and everything that’s still on my to-do list when I log off can wait for tomorrow.
I grab some food on my way home because there is no way that I can find the mental energy to feed myself otherwise. At home, I put on Netflix and lie in bed for seven to ten hours, waiting to finally fall asleep. If I am lucky, the cat keeps me company.
The ‘Good Days’ are not so different from the ‘Bad Days’, and most days are somewhere in between anyway.
The first ‘secret’ as to why I can perform well on the job is simple: it is the only thing I manage to do most days. Even on the ‘Good Days’, once I log off, I crash. On the ‘Very Bad Days’, I have to log off once I crash.
I like being good at my job, and it is important to me that I perform well. The only way to achieve that is secret number two: support in the workplace. Sometimes it is as simple as getting the reassurance that I need to be able to tackle a challenging task. Other times, it is about making the best of the flexible working policy and some days, it is my line manager checking if my workload needs to be reviewed before it has even crossed my mind.
(Don’t tell him I said that, but he is always right about that.)
There’s a lot more to it, but it comes down to working with people who not only realise that well-being and performance are interlinked but also genuinely care.
Let me finally come back to the original topic: Mental Health Awareness.
My point is that, while I am painfully aware of it at all times, others are not. This can cause incredible damage and can rob people of the chance to be good, or even great, or even excellent at something.
Awareness of mental illness, how it can present, and how to support those struggling with it is paramount. I am lucky to work under and with people who understand this, but I wish I wouldn’t have to be lucky to get that support. I want this support for everyone in any setting.
So, here’s to Mental Health Awareness Week, and the hope that other people being more aware of mental health will improve the circumstances for those who are suffering.